Single, but Taken

For those of you who read my testimony in my previous blog post, you read that I spent a year in dedicated singleness. When I wrote, very briefly, about that experience, I felt called to write my next blog post about being single in more detail.

I know there are plenty of blog posts out there that speak on singleness and how being single can be very beneficial for you, and that it is often better to be single than to be married because you have more freedom to have a social life and, if in the right frame of mind during your single years, you can have a better and deeper relationship with God. However, one more blog post couldn't hurt, right?

I believe that each testimony is unique and each story can touch someone's life through just the simple act of sharing it with others. So in sharing my experience as a young and single woman, I pray that it may help you see the beauty in being single for Him.

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I have been single all my life. And, up until last year, I hated being single.

Starting in 6th grade, people started coupling off in my class, two by two, and having "serious" relationships. And when I was 12, even though I was much too young to be in a relationship, I felt, for the first time in my life, ugly because no one wanted to be my boyfriend. And that feeling carried with me all throughout middle school, all throughout high school, all throughout college, and even (being honest here), sometimes, now.

All throughout those years, I never had a boyfriend. And, yes, I've gone on a few dates, and, yes, I've had the opportunity to hook up with a couple of guys (Mom, if you're reading this, I never did!), but nothing ever got past the first date. The fact that I've had guys interested in me should make me feel at least beautiful, but I never did feel that way. Instead, I was angry because the guys that liked me, I didn't like back, either because I wasn't attracted to them or they weren't a Christian (though at one point, I almost didn't care enough about that). And I think the reason why I become increasingly mad about guys liking me that I knew had no future, is because the few guys that I have found attractive (looks wise, but most importantly, their heart for God), never found me attractive back - or at least not enough to ask me out. I was never able to see that God had guys interested in me to show me that I AM beautiful and that guys DO find me attractive. But, I could never truly see that. Instead, I focused on the negatives about those guys liking me and focused on how I still felt ugly because I felt like the guys I am attracted to are out of my league and would never find me beautiful.

Which brings me to a story about a guy I used to like after I graduated college in 2016. This guy was the first guy that I really liked and could see a future with. Or, at least, I thought I did. I liked him because he was single, attractive, and he loved Jesus. That's basically it. I didn't really know him very well, yet he was the first guy that I met after college where he cared more about his walk with Christ, than he was in just drinking and partying. It was honestly really new and refreshing to me and I just started liking him because he was a Christian.

However, my little crush was damaging to my soul. I was not in any position to be in a relationship as I didn't give all of my heart to Jesus first. I still clung to some of the indifference I had about God that had formed while I was in college. Because of that, I cared more about wanting a man that was godly enough so he could help me in my walk with Jesus, than I did about working on my personal relationship with Him, myself. I just hoped, rather than assumed, that this guy would grow me closer to God if we ever dated.

We never did. He left and we haven't talked since.

Which, honestly, hurt a lot more than it should have at the time. I built up this image of this guy that he was "the one" for me and that, even though I knew he was going to leave, he was going to still keep in contact with me and God would make a way for us to be together.

Throughout my entire period of knowing him, I daydreamed about him a lot, to the point that I had placed him as an idol above God. I was thinking more about him than I was about God and dreamed more on the "what ifs" with this guy than I was in working on my personal relationship with my heavenly Father.

I realized at the start of the New Year in 2017 what I had allowed my flesh to do. I believed the lies that Satan fed me where I believed that being in a dating relationship was going to solve my problems with God, and that I was going to be more in love with Him because I had a strong husband to love God for the both of us. I realized that I was not in the right frame of mind to date anyone because I wasn't walking daily with the One whose relationship I should care the most about. I finally decided that I should start acting on the one relationship where I actually already have a love that is so unbelievably overwhelming for me. So, last year, I decided to be single...on purpose.

I'll be completely honest with you. The first couple of months were tough. I felt lonelier than I ever had before that first month, which actually prompted my decision to adopt my dog at the end of January because I needed a companion when I felt my most lonely. My dog, Trudy, helped a little bit, but of course, it didn't help my walk with Jesus any more than before I adopted her.

I also tried to read the Bible that had a daily reading plan that included reading a passage from the Old Testament, a passage from the New Testament, and a Proverbs or Psalm. For someone who still has trouble reading the Bible every day, this was especially difficult for me. I felt like I was trying to run before I could crawl in my walk with Christ, and I realized that I needed to slow down and just read one book at a time.

The first couple months were a time of pruning. I had to relearn what it meant to pick up my cross and follow Him. I had to let go of the hurts that I was holding that was preventing me from fully trusting Him. I had to learn how to listen to His voice and hear what He thinks about me.

The rewiring of your brain from thinking you have no worth unless you're in an earthly relationship, to accepting the truth that your worth is in Christ alone is not an overnight process! By continuously spending time in His Word and putting yourself in a community of believers to help you in your walk with Christ, God will change your heart and He exchanges the lies that you believe about yourself to the truths He has for you.

And the truth that I finally was able to accept, was that although I'm single, I'm actually already taken. The moment I accepted Jesus as my Savior was the moment that He took me for His own. Although I could very well not marry someone on this earth, I am already called the bride of Christ. Although I may not have a man to shower me with love and material gifts, I already have the most reckless and unfailing love that I will always have for all of eternity, and He's already blessed me with spiritual gifts that are far better than any diamond a man could give me.

Don't get me wrong. Being single can still be, and will be, difficult. I've never had so many guys interested in me than I had this past year! And there are times when I am tempted to say yes to a date, because I do desire to marry one day, if it's God's will. There are moments when I wish I had a man that could hold me physically while I cry and whisper sweet nothings into my ear, but I can honestly say that I've never been more content in being single in my entire life! And, whenever I remember God's love for me in those moments, it dissipates any feeling of loneliness I have every single time.

My year of dedicated singleness was a tough, but, oh, so sweet time with the Lord. If it wasn't for my pursuing Christ in every aspect of my life, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't find joy even in the sorrow. I wouldn't have given my love and time for 7th grade girls at my church for youth group. I wouldn't have a child-like faith that I do now where I can go out into the world unafraid of exclaiming just how wonderful God is. I wouldn't have a change in heart when it came to worship. I wouldn't have started this blog!

Maybe God is calling you to live a life of being single on purpose for a year (or more) to where you say no to idolizing men in your life. A year to say no when someone asks you out, when otherwise you would have said yes because your desire to be in a relationship is far greater than your desire to know God deeper. A year to just grow closer to Him. A year to banish the thoughts that you are not worthy of love, or any other lies that the devil may be attacking you with. If that is you, say no to the captivity of these lies that only drag you down, and say yes to a love far greater than what any man or woman could ever give you here on this earth!

Although my year is up, I'm still content in being single and sometimes prefer it. I'm waiting on the Lord to see if He wants to bring a man into my life, but the thing is, I'm fine if He doesn't at the moment. Because the truth of the matter is, I'm already taken by the best Man there is and ever will be.

Photo Credit: @imaginelaurenphotography